DON'T PANIC

I should meditate on that one.

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Chassidus is psychology infused with spirituality. It's like someone has already put gaga into form. Time is precious. You can spend it reinventing the wheel but you don't have to. It's much more fun attaching the wheel to a car and driving somewhere. Although I suppose you might appreciate the car more if you have to buy it than if someone just gives it to you.

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I made a "mistake." Hashem said "ok, so you made a mistake. I'll give you a chance to do something good with it." I heard and then I chose not to listen. And then I chose to take something "bad" and make it worse. That's a lot of choices. Boy is free will a responsibility...

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2) sometimes I just have to trust Hashem and have patience through the "bad" stuff. With some hindsight, it's probably not so bad, so why waste the time feeling sorry for myself when I could be making good use of the wait?

1) "Sometimes you meet people because they have to give you a message." My roommate said I have to forgive myself (she also said the thing about messengers, a message she got the day before). Ok, so all this happened. It's not my fault, it's not a bad thing and it's not something to be "faulty" about (couldn't figure out a better way to say this). What is my "fault" is how I handled it.

Next time, I will try not to take myself (and this journey) so seriously. I need to learn to laugh at myself. Life really is funny, for the most part. And I will cleanse my shakras sooner after an event before I become a vessel for this energy and curdle. "Even if I'm sensitive, so what? I deeply and completely love myself and I accept myself without judgment." Now, is this really something that's supposed to hurt me?

In hindsight, my time in tel aviv wasn't such a waste. So I lost 143 shekels. I'll grade some extra essays when I get back. Maybe something good happened to the cab driver after I left. If not, maybe I avoided something bad. Maybe he was really there to help somebody else who needed him and by staying I would have prevented it. Maybe nothing happened. Who knows.

And does it really matter? If I tracked every flap of my wings I'd go crazy(er). I'd also be completely blind to what I was currently doing (wow. Talk about in-tense). "Even if I judge myself harshly, so what? I deeply and completely love myself an I accept myself without judgment." If you want, I'll teach you the shakra tapping pattern that goes with this when I get back to ny (note: I did not say "home";).

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And wednesday morning I got a call from Rachel inviting me to stay over in bat ayin with her and go to chevron with mirriam on Thursday. So, I could have left from tsfat Wednesday morning. I could have taken a bus straight from tel aviv-jafo hatackana hamerkazit. I could have done laundry in tafat. I could have learned a lesson from a messenger in tsfat. I could have this I could have that I could have ... "Even if I made a decision, so what? I deeply and completely love myself and I accept myself without judgment."

Getting on a bus is not inherently good or bad. It's just a choice. One of billions and billions that present themselves to me every moment of my life. It's all about what I make of it. I didn't necessarily run away from something. I wanted to run to something. When I got there, I discovered that what I was looking for wasn't there. "Even if I felt disappointed, so what? I deeply and completely love myself and I accept myself without judgment."

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And none of it matters anyway.

It's much more fun to bring the right cake to a good friend and to discover the best (aka cheapest) falafel in Jerusalem with an amazing rebbetzin who runs an amazing seminary to whom I was recommended by two new friends independently, one of which almost stayed with the family I stayed with this shabbat. Trippy...

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I'm growing into a very big niche in the frum world, but the only way I can fulfill my potential is my remaining in the secular world. I'll be able to travel, make a lucrative career out of dance and be able to create the work I want to create. And I have at least ten years to grow into this, or at least into the beginning of this. (I mean, can you really see a 23 year old teaching a seminar to hundreds of people? Go ahead, call me crazy, but I can...) Hmm, sounds like the original plan: dance and travel the world. Who knew this is what Hashem had in "mind?" (again with the anthropomorphisms, although I'm getting used to it again).