Tisha B'Av

I owe you a story so full of simcha it's going to be a party just to relive it with you. Unfortunately, I don't feel like celebrating today (or editing out failed humor). How ironic.

To be completely honest, I fizzled out yesterday (more like got really scared). I ran away from tsfat erev tisha b'av. I spent the whole night on busses, trains and in taxis, wasting money (I had free lodging at ascent) and completely ignoring Hashem (I had an amazing opportunity to give tzedakah and make a new friend and I ran away from it, turning tzedakah into dust and my ego into my enemy). I really hope hashkacha practis doesn't only happen in holy cities and San fransisco.

I'm in tel aviv again. Miserable, angry and alone.  Apparently, I also failed miserably. I thought the only reason I was making friend after friend from chevron to tsfat was through my "pretending to be religious." I don't remember who put that idea in my head, but it's poisonous. I'm not sure it's true but I'm also not sure it's false.  I do know that this morning was the first time in two weeks I haven't said modeh ani (I tried but couldn't remember the words) and the first time in a week I didn't wash (also something that is meaningful to me now).

Oy vey. Light bulb.  It's tisha b'av and I'm running away from my people and my faith, looking for Hashem and finding He's hidden, and putting myself in exile because I have doubts.  An incredible week started when I took a leap of faith and got off a bus. It all ended when I got on a bus. (I owe you that story. It's something I wish you could have without the vicarious part:)

People seem to like me. A lot. And I don't think it has that much to do with how religious I become. It's me who doesn't like me, or so I learned yesterday when I spent the evening with a woman who is married to a cousin of the Rebbe (who still talks to him, and hears him talk back).

What a bala gan. Can you imagine how hard it must have been for the Jews the last time they left Eretz Yisroel? They didn't have email.